Posted by CNRSW CREDO SW

Relationship Builder- Turning Towards

 Prior to Deployment (Practicing Turning Towards In-Person):

  1. "Bid Recognition Practice": Consciously pay attention to and verbally acknowledge even small bids for connection (e.g., "Thanks for asking about my day, I know you're busy too").
  2. "Seek First to Understand" Role-Playing: Practice scenarios where one partner is upset or feels misunderstood, and the other actively focuses on listening and reflecting back their partner's feelings before stating their own.
  3. "Hidden Self" Sharing Sessions: Each partner takes turns sharing a part of their past or a current interest that the other may not be fully aware of, consciously making a "bid" for deeper understanding and connection (e.g., the husband sharing his competitive ballet background).
  4. "Vulnerability Disclosure Practice": Create a safe space to practice sharing something that makes one partner feel vulnerable, with the other actively listening and offering reassurance and acceptance.
  5. "Compromise Brainstorming": When discussing potential disagreements, actively brainstorm ways to yield or compromise, explicitly acknowledging and appreciating each other's willingness to find solutions.
  6. "Micro-Moments of Connection": Intentionally create small moments of connection throughout the day (a lingering hug, a shared glance, a brief touch) and acknowledge their importance.
  7. "Active Listening with Empathy": During conversations, consciously focus on understanding your partner's perspective and feelings, verbalizing your empathy ("It sounds like you're feeling really stressed about that").
  8. "Making Bids for Fun": Initiate playful bids for connection (a silly joke, an invitation to dance) and enthusiastically turn towards your partner's response.
  9. "Identifying Fear of Rejection Areas": Have an open conversation about areas where each partner might feel sensitive or fear rejection, creating a foundation of awareness and gentle responses.
  10. "Pre-Deployment 'Understanding Each Other Better' Dates": Dedicate specific date nights to asking deeper questions aimed at understanding each other's current thoughts, feelings, and perspectives on various topics.

During Deployment (Practicing Turning Towards Across the Distance):

  1. "Bid Acknowledgment in Letters/Calls": When your partner shares a small attempt to connect (a detail about their day, a feeling), explicitly acknowledge it in your response ("I appreciated you telling me about [small detail], it helps me feel connected").
  2. "Seeking Understanding Reminders (Letters/Calls)": If a disagreement arises during a limited communication, make a conscious effort to ask clarifying questions and express your desire to understand their perspective, even if resolution is delayed.
  3. "Sharing 'Hidden Self' Through Stories (Letters/Audio Messages)": Use letters or audio messages to share stories or reflections that reveal a less known aspect of yourself, making a "bid" for deeper understanding across the distance (e.g., the husband writing about the discipline and dedication required in his ballet training).
  4. "Vulnerability Sharing with Reassurance (Letters/Calls)": If your partner shares a vulnerability, respond with words of reassurance and acceptance, explicitly acknowledging their courage in sharing.
  5. "Compromise Commitment in Communication (Letters)": If discussing future plans or potential disagreements upon return, express your willingness to yield and find solutions together.
  6. "Virtual 'Micro-Connection' Attempts (Short Texts/Emails if possible): Send brief messages that act as small bids for connection ("Thinking of your smile," "Hope you're having a good moment").
  7. "Empathic Listening During Calls": During limited phone calls, focus intently on listening to your partner's emotional state and verbalizing your empathy ("It sounds like that was really tough").
  8. "Making Bids for Shared Experience (Planning Future Reunion)": Make bids for connection by planning specific activities you can look forward to doing together upon reunion.
  9. "Acknowledging Sensitivity (Letters/Calls)": If your partner expresses a fear of rejection or judgment about something, explicitly reassure them of your love and acceptance.
  10. "Deployment 'Understanding Each Other' Letters": Dedicate letters to asking deeper questions about their experiences during deployment and sharing your own emotional landscape, aiming for continued understanding despite the distance.